Estimated reading time: 8 minutes
How can you make the other person win?
This is the question I often ask during Executive Coaching sessions when a conflict is being discussed.
Usually, the answer goes, “But I don’t want them to win; I want to win!”
That’s called a zero-sum win; for one person to win, the other must lose.
The problem with making somebody lose is that it doesn’t build relationships and loyalty. It makes them want to take their revenge, make you pay the price, and guarantee you lose next time. In a transactional relationship, you could win a battle but lose the war.
What if both could win?
This is how to build mutual value, an alliance, and the true loyalty we seek.
But how does it work?
1. Find out what’s important to them.
“Every single day, we are faced with the task of persuading others. And every single day, we face resistance.”
– Bob Burg
You need to understand their goals and objectives to help them succeed.
- What is instrumental to their success?
- What would they like to achieve?
- What is in their heart?
- What particularly hurt them?
- What do they hope to see?
You can’t help noticing that these points are not necessarily tactical, logical, or even a negotiation. They are a true discovery of who the other person is, essential for moving to the next step.
Sometimes, if you’re like me, you’re not keen on asking many questions. Maybe because you don’t want to bother the other person or prefer to talk about yourself.
“Self-disclosure is extra rewarding, People were even willing to forgo money in order to talk about themselves.”
– Harvard Neuroscientist Diana Tamir
By taking an interest in the other person, we are using empathy. This is one of the most powerful ways to build relationships. Simply said, “You like people to listen to, understand, or recognise you. So does everybody else.”
Beth Huntington and Nettie Kuhn conducted a 2003 study involving medical doctors. They demonstrated that doctors reduced their patients’ complaints by using listening skills. Empathy and apologies also helped reduce legal actions in medical error cases. As you can see, when you first step forward toward the other person, they come toward you.
“You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.”
– Dale Carnegie
2. Support them in areas of priority
Once you find their priorities, you can offer support and discuss how you can help them succeed.
One of my coachees considered the issues with his team for only a second. He quickly said, “This is what I am going to do.” He decided, “I will try doing this,” and started a list of actions.
You will lose credibility when you repeatedly try and fail with people.
Taking the time to understand what is essential for them is vital.
Nonetheless, it takes time, but it’s quick and easy!
Indeed, it is so, because sometimes they don’t know by themselves. By using deep coaching questions, you can help them discover their answers.
The next step is to support them in an area that is important to them but not for you.
Why is that?
First, we can touch a person’s heart to connect with them. This connection will then allow us to move to a real alliance.
I learned an important lesson in my entrepreneurial journey: I can’t win people over to my vision. It has to be theirs, too.
Even if you share a vision and attract people to your goal, it is not likely to last long. This is especially true if you are like me. The only way to build a strong, long-term partnership is to connect you to their vision. What I now do is ask them about their vision before sharing mine. If there is nothing in common, I ask them what I can do to support them and wish them well.
“Effective leaders know that you first have to touch people’s hearts before you ask them for a hand. That is the Law of Connection.”
– John C. Maxwell
3. Look for collaborations
First, set up the relationships. Show that you are trustworthy and willing to add value to them. Now, you can discuss how to create a mutually beneficial partnership. Work on building collaborations.
Start by finding common ground.
- What are the priorities for both of you?
- Is there a topic or a goal that fulfills priority goals or objectives for you and the other person?
What you discover will allow both of you to build a strong partnership. I might even say that a successful, long-term relationship is the goal of any business. It is only possible when both parties are aligned.
4. You will eventually win.
I sometimes ask a coachee to consider how to make the other party win. When they do this, they typically experience positive results. This often happens already in the first conversation. Such harmonious relationships, focused on mutual business value, create greater business value. Why?
Because they bring along with them:
- Mutual value that brings trust.
- Trust that saves time.
- Saved time brings more financial return.
- Trust reduces tension and conflict, thereby reducing burnout.
- Reducing burnout incidence saves significant costs.
5. Everything positive in the long run comes from relationships.
I look back at the successes I’ve experienced in both my private and professional life. I notice that they all stem from one source: relationships. In my marriage and family, it is obvious. Still, in our work and business life, we often forget that people contribute to one another’s success. Most of the time, they do so through their thoughts, discussions, encouragement, or work.
Please take a moment to think about these collaborations and express your gratitude to them for their contributions.
In a world filled with mobbing, abuse, and prejudice, letting other people win may seem idealistic. Yet, it is also practical from a business perspective.
Are you ready to embrace long-term collaborations? Can you be satisfied with building trusting, mutually beneficial relationships by letting the other person win?
“You can’t win an argument. You can’t because if you lose it, you lose it; and if you win it, you lose it.”
– Dale Carnegie
Disclaimer
This entire discussion implies that people you are not interacting with don’t have an antisocial personality disorder.
How do I know that somebody is one of these?
One of my coachees told me that a colleague he regularly has conflicts with is a “psychopath”. I told him that only 2-4% of people typically fall into that category. I encouraged him to use much of the advice I shared above. At our next coaching session, he told me:
- “This guy is quite nice.”
- “Really? Tell me more!”
- “Yes, we had a good discussion.”
- “What did you do differently?”
- “I didn’t go as a bull and took the time to understand him.”
This experience taught me a lesson: The abuser is sometimes us, and we do it without awareness. Nevertheless, suppose you have strong suspicions that somebody is a person with an antisocial personality disorder (ASPD). You must protect yourself in that case. This is particularly important if you are close to the person, like a direct colleague, spouse, or partner.
